something had happened (again) last nite. but this time nothing similar to the previous one.. this one wasn't humiliating, but frustrating...

i got very mad about something last nite, or to be specific about someone. i thot i've been betrayed.. damn i was so broken hearted and sad... i think i never felt so sad as i felt last nite. last nite was a disaster..

i read the smses in his hp. i read the first sms in his inbox, and the second. then i couldn't get myself to read the third one.. it was so... soooo... frustrating.. then along the way back to kerteh i said nothing, cant stand seeing his face and i cried. damn i cant stop myself...

he stored her name as kak da kerani. he had told me a little bout her. she's a yr older than us. i read her smses before. most of the time his inbox is 'so clean'. there was 2 or 3 times i think her sms sounded over caring.. but he insisted nothing happened but admitted that they are quite close as she is responsible in checking staffs' attendance. i couldnt say more, it was about work, acceptable and i knew i should be reasonable. this time, i cant help it, it is so obvious and intolerable..

ble da sampai umah, i packed my beg. zita didnt bother. and thank God for that. aku nak balik tp bi x kasi

awak x kan balik dlm keadaan marah kan bi

that's what he said. he made me sit and listen, then he explained..

cut the story short. kak da tu syok kat bi. pangang. what made me so sad is that he didnt bother to tell me bout it and didnt bother to tell that kak da kerani bout our engagement. why?? aku paling x syok bile dapat tahu ape² that considered important and could lead to misunderstanding dr mulut org lain or dr sumber lain selain dr mulut dia sendiri. i need to listen it from him, not from others. bi kate dia xnak aku sakit ati or sedih or nangis. damn, then what am i doing rite now?? i cried like i've lost him...

yup, mmg aku akan sakit ati, maroh or may be nangih. but at least i wont jump to thousands of conclusion trying to figure out why he tried to hide, tried to lie, not wanting me to know. which drive me crazy. which make me feel like to stand in the middle of the highway, waiting for a car or a truck to hit me..

i love him. damn i love him so much. i think i loved him years ago, on the last day of skool while watching him from my window, thinking that day would be the last day i could see him smiling, and how much i will miss him... or may be when he told me that he likes me or when i told him i dont like him.. or mungkin sebelum tu lg, when first time dia senyum dan buat aku gelak pastu buat aku nangis mase kami sekelas dlm form 4. erm.. sebelum tu lg kot, bile aku bertugas dlm persatuan st. john dan kagum tgk dia lari laju sangat mase sports day form 3 dulu. or may be when i'm in form 2 listening to Elah chatting and telling how he is so crazy and naughty in her class. or may be even before that......

:'(

and because of that i was afraid, easily lost and very depending..

i'm not myself anymore...

erm... cut the story short again.. last skali kami berdamai gak. that kak da kerani wont drive me crazy anymore. bukan nye aku ni lurus sgt tak pernah buat salah, tak pernah buat bi sedih or separuh gile. kami same² manusia. kami kena terima, hidup di bumi nyata, tak semua nye akan run smooth, straight forward, mesti ade ribut taufan, jln berkonar², bersimpang² dan sepanjang jln mungkin akan terpijak paku or onak duri, mungkin tergolek tersepak batu or kura² yg sedang melintas jalan.. kite akan luke sikit or patah ibu jari kaki or batang keting betis, or mungkin mati. sememang lumrah. semua akan bg pengajaran..

and this is a beginning of our journey.. this is only a beginning.....

ari kamis genap 40 hari umi pergi

semalam ade majlis tahlil kat rumah arwah kat rasau. aku bawak adyah, my younger sistah. semua berjalan lancar. kejab je semua da setel. bi tak keje mlm td, setelkan semua yg perlu kat rumah tuk majlis tu.

so mlm tu kami tido rumah arwah. sedih rase..

cemane ye kalau umi ade lg ni.. umi pandai masak..

erm.. sure majlis mcm ni xde skang ni.. or mungkin majlis ni utk org lain..

rindu kat umi...

td pagi ade bacaan al-quran. dorang habiskan bace satu al-Quran. sejuk je hati dengar dorg bace ramai² centu. aku sendiri pon da lame tak mengaji. dulu kat kolej rajin gak, terikut² roommate aku tu si pijoh. erm...

bi mcm ade masalah..

bi ok ke? mcm ade masalah.. ade ape? ckp le kat ayg..

erm... masalah bi, bi ni bi.. kalu bi ni org lain mungkin x mcm ni..

complicated. byk terjemahan bleh aku buat..

citer la kat ayg..

bukan bi xnak cite tp kalu citer sure ayg sendiri pon leh jadi pening n tension. bi xnak ayg tensen.

it's ok.. tu adat la.. at least bile share leh la release skit tensen bi, leh kite kongsi..

erm.. mcm ni la.. kite ne setkan appointment bebetul. sbb sure mkn mase lame nak cite, panjang lebar nih.. hahaha

ceh.. ok la. anytime, any place. kabo je..

ape kate 25hb.. ari sabtu. it's means nex week laa.. hehe

amboi²... kalu centu, baik lah en. shahrim.. hehe

sempat lg dia wat lawak.. i love him for what he is.. :)

lately aku kuat beno merajuk. asal skit airmataku berlinangan bak air hujan. manje pelik.. hahaha.. tp bi bebetul faham aku. kalu org lain agaknye da lame dia wat bodoh je. sape x boring kalu awek asik merajuk?? hehehe.. tp xtau la kalu skarang je dia centu, lepas nikah nnt jadi lain.. isk.. tp takat ni bi nampak natural, kami pon selambe je. xde kontrol², kentot pon selambe tp kalu aku ne mintak izin la.. dia kentut xmintak izin xpe.. kalu aku xmintak izin satu hari laaa aku ne kutuk.. hehehe..

rindu rase.. skang bi keje shift mlm. ari² aku gi keje, bi baru blk keje. time aku blk keje, bi baru msuk keje. even kat sametime pon mmg xyah mimpi nak jumpe, lagikan plak nak dating kat luar.. gi tahlil umi tu kami jumpe lepas kat seminggu xbersua. tp xsempat nak spend duduk borak bergurau senda sbb ade majlis. td petang time da rilek² adyah plak ajak blk, boring katenye.. kesian gak kat dia so aku blk la td kul4. tanpa restu bi.. bi soh aku stay dulu blk ptg skit.. erm.. nak buat cemane.. daku dlm dilema.. bile pikirkan aku yg ajak adyah dtg, kesian nak biorkan dia boring melangut je kat situ..

lepas ni xtau la bile lg nak jumpe.. ohhh ye.. lupe.. 25hb ni aku ade appointment ngan tunang aku.. ahahhaha.. tp lg 8 hari seii..lame tuuhhhh..

sabar je la..

esok ne anto adyah blk uitm plak. nak blk pagi katenye ade latihan lakonan, nak perform sunday nite kat kampus dia. da last minutes x prepare bebetul lg. erm.. malas nyee nak bgn pagi.. to wake early in weekend's morning is the hardest thing to do.. isk...

end of the story.

abg jai called me juz now. abg jai ni dulu org kuat atrax banch kat KL. tp skang da tak keje atrax, da resigned, internal problem yg aku pon xsure ape bendenye.

he invites me to his wedding this 25 feb!

wah melimpah ruah jemputan kawan² aku skang ni.. mary sms-ed me that hawa is getting married this march..

25 feb (sat) - abg jai
mar - hawa
29 apr (sat) - dee
may - no candidate.. yet.. :)~
jun - me??

akkakakaka.. berangan...

enuf for today. sambung keje plak.. ;)

terlena.. tertusuk cinta..
terbayang semua yg indah
mengembara resah dihatiku
dibenakku hanya lah dirimu

kembali aku rembulan
diriku lagi terbakar cinta
terpesonanya aku
hati tak kunjung berbalas

tercipta bunga2 rindu
melibar hati ingin dipeluk
mengembara resah tak terjawab
diriku semakin terjerat hatimu

rembulan - kris dayanti

aku x sure lirik dia betul tak, tp tu la yg telinga aku dengar. dr aku duk kat office 2000 lg aku duk pasang lagu ni aje. suke dengo beh plok layan..

td kawan aku, paradi montok aka farah diana anto invitation kenduri kawen dia 29th april ni. wah syioook la dia yeh.. da nak kawen.. ingatkan aku yang langsung dulu.. rupenye dia lg tak sabar dr aku... hahahah

mesti dia rase sgt excited kan. hehe.. mesti dee tgh sibuk prepare tuk kenduri dia. aritu katenye sibuk siap umah baru dorg nak pindah lepas nikah. wah wah.. siap da ade rumah. alhamdulillah.. happy endaknye fren aku yg sorg ni... :)

aku plak cemane yeh.. skang tgh plan nak slow² beli brg hantaran. nak beli lump sum takut terkejut semput plak aku nak membelinye, better slow² kumpul dr skarang. lgpon insyaAllah aku bakal menyusul lepas dee, so kire tak lame lagi jugak laa. terasa mcm teramat byk mende yg aku ne buat sampai kadang aku rase panik sgt. nasib baik le mak aku ade.. tp mak aku pon nak kenduri anak sulung, dia pon kadang mcm panik gak.. ahaha.. mak borek anak rintik.
tp serious byk sei mende nak buat. aku list down semua yg aku rase keperluan sesebuah kenduri.. nak kena bagi² task kat adik² aku skit² sorg so bleh la pakat² jayakan kenduri tu nanti.. kekekek.. kadang aku ni terlebih pikir la.. org lain rilek je, nape aku mcm panik sgt tah..
erm.. i want it to be perfect, i want everybody to be satisfied, i want everybody to be happy.. :)

cuma satu aje.. umi da xde.. kadang bile terpikir rase terkurang satu mende yg tersangat besar dan penting. erm.. kalau la arwah umi tak rushing aritu nak kami bertunang cepat tah ape jadi kat kami skang. mesti lg terumbang ambing, mesti kami dah hilang arah..

skang baru la aku tahu nape aritu umi nak cepat² dtg merisik, xkisah kalu buat simple², jamu takat air ngan biskut pon xkisah, tp umi kate yg penting ade ikatan. lepas merisik umi xnak lengah nak kami bertunang plak. bi da ckp biar la dulu, kami ade agenda nak setel dulu sebelum ke arah tu, tp umi bertegas. kami bertunang sbb ikutkan hajat umi je. happy tu mmg la sgt
happy, tapi kalu arwah umi tak bertegas sure kami belum sampai tahap ni..

2 hari lepas kenduri aritu umi jatuh sakit. mase umi tgh tenat pon umi duk ckp teringin nak tgk kami kawen. :'( aku x leh nak ingat semua tu, jd terasa teramat sedih.. hajat umi aku tak tertunai.. tp aku terima semua ni ketentuan Tuhan. dan tetap bersyukur kerana umi da tunjukkan kami jalan even umi da tak ade kami dah ade matlamat skarang.. :'(

tak lame lagi cukup 40 hari umi pergi.. rase mcm baru semalam.. bile aku pergi rumah arwah terasa mcm arwah masih ade. rase segar lagi. tp tak perlu nak tunjuk semua tu kan.. kate org tak baik ratapi org yg dah pergi. aku tak ratapi umi, mungkin aku rase rindu kat dia. moga umi tergolong org yg beriman dan dijauhkan azab.. al-Fatihah untuk umi..

aku bersyukur dan hargai ngan ape yg aku ade skarang..

insyaAllah.. tak lame lagi ye mi..

ku membayangi.. jiwa hatimu
tapi perpisahan menunggu
ku ingin membelaimu
namun kasihku tiada restu

diri begini.. kerna selama
ditinggalkan marah sengsara
hingga hilang terlupa
siapa aku sebenarnya sayang...

oh dengarlah sayu tangisanku
mengapa degupanmu kuseru
kerna kesepian nan terlalu
kembalikan hidup yang ku rindu

oh dengarlah sunyi tangisanku
kau tahu ku amat menyayangimu
oh pergilah kau bukan milikku
pulang pada yang mengasihi.. dirimu..

(kau kuseru.. kesepian berlalu..
maafkan daku..)

sampai disini
ku lepas kau pergi
biar ku damai bersemadi
lukamu ku mengerti
kan ku hilangkan derita ini..

ku seru - misha

the soundtrack of Pontianak Harum Sundal Malam. i watched the movie. damn it's a good movie n i love it. first time dengo lagu ni before i watch the movie, mcm x menarik sgt. tp bile ngan movie dia.. perghh ngancam lahhh.. mcm pinang dibelah dua lah.. hehe

sedih cerita tu sebenarnya. ala mcm movie thai Nang Nak. movie thai tu kisah kesetiaan seorang isteri, PHSM ni pasal ibu dan isteri yang rindukan hidup dia yg lalu.. cewah ala mcm pengkritik filem plak.. :P~

pastu aku tgk citer Memoirs of Geisha, pon mcm bes.. mmg bes la.. tp kan.. ngeri la bile movie ade part rugul merugul. kalu suke same suke tu lain la, ni kalu pakse rela tu tak sanggup nak tgk laaaa.. hayyaa.. nauzubillah.. mcm ngeri lee..

ermmmmmmmm