..:[ bitch! ]:..
something had happened (again) last nite. but this time nothing similar to the previous one.. this one wasn't humiliating, but frustrating...
i got very mad about something last nite, or to be specific about someone. i thot i've been betrayed.. damn i was so broken hearted and sad... i think i never felt so sad as i felt last nite. last nite was a disaster..
i read the smses in his hp. i read the first sms in his inbox, and the second. then i couldn't get myself to read the third one.. it was so... soooo... frustrating.. then along the way back to kerteh i said nothing, cant stand seeing his face and i cried. damn i cant stop myself...
he stored her name as kak da kerani. he had told me a little bout her. she's a yr older than us. i read her smses before. most of the time his inbox is 'so clean'. there was 2 or 3 times i think her sms sounded over caring.. but he insisted nothing happened but admitted that they are quite close as she is responsible in checking staffs' attendance. i couldnt say more, it was about work, acceptable and i knew i should be reasonable. this time, i cant help it, it is so obvious and intolerable..
ble da sampai umah, i packed my beg. zita didnt bother. and thank God for that. aku nak balik tp bi x kasi
awak x kan balik dlm keadaan marah kan bi
that's what he said. he made me sit and listen, then he explained..
cut the story short. kak da tu syok kat bi. pangang. what made me so sad is that he didnt bother to tell me bout it and didnt bother to tell that kak da kerani bout our engagement. why?? aku paling x syok bile dapat tahu ape² that considered important and could lead to misunderstanding dr mulut org lain or dr sumber lain selain dr mulut dia sendiri. i need to listen it from him, not from others. bi kate dia xnak aku sakit ati or sedih or nangis. damn, then what am i doing rite now?? i cried like i've lost him...
yup, mmg aku akan sakit ati, maroh or may be nangih. but at least i wont jump to thousands of conclusion trying to figure out why he tried to hide, tried to lie, not wanting me to know. which drive me crazy. which make me feel like to stand in the middle of the highway, waiting for a car or a truck to hit me..
i love him. damn i love him so much. i think i loved him years ago, on the last day of skool while watching him from my window, thinking that day would be the last day i could see him smiling, and how much i will miss him... or may be when he told me that he likes me or when i told him i dont like him.. or mungkin sebelum tu lg, when first time dia senyum dan buat aku gelak pastu buat aku nangis mase kami sekelas dlm form 4. erm.. sebelum tu lg kot, bile aku bertugas dlm persatuan st. john dan kagum tgk dia lari laju sangat mase sports day form 3 dulu. or may be when i'm in form 2 listening to Elah chatting and telling how he is so crazy and naughty in her class. or may be even before that......
:'(
and because of that i was afraid, easily lost and very depending..
i'm not myself anymore...
erm... cut the story short again.. last skali kami berdamai gak. that kak da kerani wont drive me crazy anymore. bukan nye aku ni lurus sgt tak pernah buat salah, tak pernah buat bi sedih or separuh gile. kami same² manusia. kami kena terima, hidup di bumi nyata, tak semua nye akan run smooth, straight forward, mesti ade ribut taufan, jln berkonar², bersimpang² dan sepanjang jln mungkin akan terpijak paku or onak duri, mungkin tergolek tersepak batu or kura² yg sedang melintas jalan.. kite akan luke sikit or patah ibu jari kaki or batang keting betis, or mungkin mati. sememang lumrah. semua akan bg pengajaran..
and this is a beginning of our journey.. this is only a beginning.....
haVin' thiS FOoLish ThOt at 1:20 PM
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